Yesterday at noon after I put Laly to bed for her midday nap, I flopped onto my bed exhausted, wanting to sleep for hours, days, however long it would take for the exhaustion to go away. This is how I feel at some point in the day, every day – feeling the sting of it without exception when I put Laly to bed at night. This is a feeling I know well as I’ve learned to live with it for many years, but it’s all the more apparent now that I have a little being in my life to nurture and nourish 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I know now how important it is that I stop pushing the feeling away and listen to it.
So yesterday at noon, while lying in bed desperately wanting to fall asleep… why am I this tired? What have I done this morning that has made me so tired? I thought about all the things I’d done for that six hours: making Laly’s breakfast, tending to the chickens, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, helping Laly use the potty, gardening, preparing morning tea, and all the while attending to Laly’s various other needs. These are simple, everyday tasks that I know other people do without feeling exhausted, so why does it affect me so much?
I then thought about what else was happening while I was doing these things – how was I feeling while I put the clothes in the washing machine, what was I thinking about? And that’s when an inner light shone on an habitual pattern that I hadn’t noticed up until that point.
It occurred to me that while I go about all these daily activities, I am thinking one or all of the following: “I’m probably not doing this right”, “This isn’t good enough”, “Am I doing enough?”, “I should be doing more”, “This is not enough”, “I’m not enough”. I question and doubt the way I go about every single activity in my life. It’s exhausting.
As an example, while I was sorting dirty clothes and putting them in the machine with the natural detergent I use, I was thinking about how so many of Laly’s clothes now have paint or food stains that won’t come out in the wash, or the whites have turned grey. I started to compare my washed clothes to those I see on other people or in advertisements. That’s when I started to spiral down in my thoughts and think, “I’m probably not washing our clothes properly. I’m not doing a good enough job at washing our clothes” which then, over a matter of seconds as I start to think about other parts of my life where I feel inadequate, it leads to “I’m not good enough”.
Another example is that for the first time yesterday Laly sat on the tree trunk stools I created for her in an unkempt part of our backyard near the hen house. Without any prompting from me she sat on one of the logs, looked around, and decided to bring her favourite teddy to sit with her on a log and offer him a tiny cup of tea. I couldn’t have wanted for anything more after my grand search of finding the right tree logs. This was exactly what I had hoped she would do and at that moment I wanted to breathe it in, feel nourished by the scene before me. But instead, I thought: “Is she safe? The stools aren’t very clean, I should stop what I’m doing and wipe them down. I should put insect repellant on her in case there are mosquitoes… am I doing the right thing by leaving her alone there? Am I doing enough?” With all the self-(re)searching I’ve been doing these past 2 years, I was able at that point to observe these thoughts instead of immediately act on them, and so I took a breath, knowing that I wasn’t able to allow myself to be nourished by what I saw because of my thoughts but also acknowledging that yes she was safe, I was safe, and to let her enjoy her time without me hovering around her. I’m becoming more and more aware that it is this thinking pattern that is exhausting me, this constant conflict within, this constant doubt. It runs through my mind like a speed train on a loop track, taking me away from the present moment and into unsafe territory. Yet because it’s become an habitual pattern, I’ve been under the illusion that it makes me safe to think these things because I’ve been with it for so long – I know it so well.
At the end of everyday, I plonk my exhausted self on the couch. For all the time that I’ve felt this tiredness – reaching as far back as my mid teens, I thought that it was life in general that was tiring me. All this time I’ve been thinking that I’m too weak, that I can’t handle simple every day tasks, that I’m simply not able. But I’m now seeing this is not the case at all. I can do all the simple every day tasks, and I can do really great tasks too like write a book. What has been tiring me all these years is the constant self-criticism and self-judgement that runs through my mind with everything I do. I plant seeds – have I done enough to help them grow? I let Laly sit without socks on, will she get sick, have I done enough to keep her warm? I put her to bed at night – what if I haven’t done enough for her today? This self-criticism affects every part of my life – I have always had the feeling that I’m not enough – I am not enough of a friend, a daughter, a partner, I’m not enough as an author, a writer, a photographer, a blogger, an entrepreneur. I know that this self-criticism has been learned by example, along with being criticized from those I’ve adored over my youthful years. All of which helped to make my inner critical voice louder.
But as I discover these aspects of my mind, I’m opening up who I truly am, and what I need. And that it’s okay to need while I myself am being needed. And by keeping myself surrounded by people who connect with my core, who understand and support me, I am getting stronger, and wiser.
There will be judgement for this post, this I know. But I know that judgement will be coming from those who have their own loud inner critic just like me, the voice of judgement. It’s an aspect of ourselves we can be aware of, and accept, but not indulge. I heard a wonderful life coach say in an interview the other day, “If this inner critic was a real person, always hovering over you, criticizing everything you do, would you invite them to tea?” The answer for me was immediately no, and I laughed at the absurdity of allowing such a voice to dominate my life.
Have a beautiful weekend mes amis. Thank you for being in my life.
With love,
Pia x
PS these are our backyard hens, Plume (the isa brown), Alouette (the white leghorn) and Esther (Rhode Island red). I’ve written more about them on instagram (my username is piajanebijkerk)if you’d like to follow my everyday adventures in chook rearing, mothering, gardening and more.
I so enjoyed reading this post, thank you for writing it. I have a not dissimilar trait, except instead of self-questioning it’s being flat-out critical. Also exhausting, and something I’m trying to learn to get better at observing rather than being dominated by. Good on for you being able to take a mental step back and observe these thoughts, and start to turn away from them at times. I do feel like it’s something quite female, my male friends don’t seem to experience it with the same frequency. And there’s not much women are harder on themselves about than their mothering. Thanks for the thought-provoking post, a good reminder on our own journeys to a satisfying inner conversation.
April 17th, 2014 | #
Oh Pia, I can relate to so much of this…
Thanks for writing such a beautiful, honest post.
Ronnie xo
April 17th, 2014 | #
Thank you for sharing you…For opening up your heart and mind to us all…Have a beautiful weekend ahead xo c PS watching season 2 of lark rise to candleford I just couldn’t resist xx
April 17th, 2014 | #
I’m so sorry it may sound stupid but you should check you blood level in iron. This kind of exhaustion is often caused by a too low iron level. And it’s quite easy to fix … Just saying … May be it has nothing to do with it … But at least you’ll know !
+ Keep in mind that just like the rest of us, you really deserve to feel good most of the time. That should show you the way.
Hope you’ll fel better soon.
April 17th, 2014 | #
Thank you for this Pia. It takes a lot of courage to share our inner struggles, but every time we do, we let others know that they are not alone.
I’d like to fix you a virtual cup of tea – honey? lemon? Hugs, for sure.
April 17th, 2014 | #
Bless you and your amazing insight….how we so easily listen to the negativity that we create…through you I too see how I question everything I do and question why I would want to associate with those thoughts. I really needed this particularly in this moment so thank you!
April 17th, 2014 | #
Pia – beautiful woman – you’ve shared your thoughts & opened your heart – do believe there are so, so many of us that admire & love you & your wonderful creative talents – and be assured you are doing just fine in your motherhood role – just fine! Maggie xxx
April 17th, 2014 | #
Hurrah! For some of us it took half a lifetime to understand that it was our own thinking that created our misery. Look to see what is at the root of your thoughts then you can set your mind free.
April 17th, 2014 | #
Thank you for being so open. I know how it feels.
Just take a look at Laly. She is showing you everything you have to learn in this life. Our children are like mirrors.
April 17th, 2014 | #
We talk to ourselves in a way we would never dream of to a friend – it is odd, isn’t it? Learning to be our own friend is a big deal. Hoping your self discoveries release the energy you long for. Thanks for such an honest post, you are not alone feeling this way, I’m sure many many of us suffer this to differing extents. X
April 17th, 2014 | #
Dear Pia.
I am sitting hear sobbing, I can not
Express to you how similar my thoughts
Are. I judge and bully myself none stop
Comparing what I am doing with what the dream
Mama, entrepreneur artist self I imagined
Should be doing. I see failure in the avocado
Stained onesies that Poet wears, the not perfectly
Arranged drawers,the half finished read book.
I constantly whisper to myself lately
Two things “I am failing this” and ” I am tired”
So so tired…. Reading this Pia I think
About how I left home at fifteen, worked
Hard for myself and made every desicion. I opened
Stores, won awards and worked hard yet the one constant
Thing is the voice saying ” you are not doing it right or enough”
Truth is tears are falling as I right this
And I should write later but something
About your post open a window to the self
Afflicted scrutiny I have placed in myself
For so long, even as a young child a cloud
Of guilt followed.
Thank you Pia because I am feeling as if you by writing
And opening yourself like this has changed
Me, as if someone whispered in my ear ” you are doing fine”
April 18th, 2014 | #
Thank you Pia!
So honest!
Maria
April 18th, 2014 | #
Well done you. I hope you wake from your slumber feeling 100 times lighter. I think recognising what you have in this post is the first step in making sure your thoughts become more positive. I’m currently reading Tammy Strobel’s book and a quote in it (William James) caught my eye. “To Changw One’s life, start immediately, do it flamboyantly, no exceptions.” Good luck!
Ps. Love your chooks. When I’m feeling flat I love to sit with a cuppa and watch the chooks. They always cheer me up a little!!
April 18th, 2014 | #
Thankyou Pia for sharing such an honest, from the heart post. I feel for you, as from an outsider looking into your world, you seem to have it all, and have made me feel how much I would have loved to be the Mother that you are to Laly. You have such creativity and love, and from the photos you post, have given Laly such a brilliant start to her life.I too had the same thoughts when bringing my two daughters up. They were thirteen months apart, and it was hard, and I never felt good enough, or felt I was always being judged. Perhaps their clothes were not clean enough, or their blankets faded in the wash, but I tried to give them the love and attention they needed. Albeit, it worked out fine. They are now mothers themselves, and have never looked at me with judgement on how they were brought up. Laly sees you as her world, and would never worry what her clothes were like or if Mummy is worrying about me. Children grow so so quickly, and the worry gets better as they get more independent. I am now 55 years old and still feel my daughters need me, and I worry every day about them and their own daughters .Motherhood is a lifelong worry, so you are not alone. I look at you for inspiration Pia, so carry on as you are. Also, the tiredness is not forever, and the inner demons cannot enter your mind unless you wish to let them. You are doing an amazing job as a mother, and Laly is one lucky little girl.
April 18th, 2014 | #
You are so right! Thank you for this post! I too am exhausted almost every day, with similar feelings, and sometimes know that I’m taking a nap not to recharge my energy, but for a respite from that constant nagging in my head.
April 18th, 2014 | #
You should read The Power Of Now! Might be just what you need to tap into.
April 18th, 2014 | #
thank you for this! I know this feelings very well (right at this moment if I tell myself: how bad is my english!)but now it is less often. years of therapy teached me and let me feel more often: you are right, I’m right. I’m what I’m and thats good as it can be.
wish you can feel the same…I guess you are right too!!
April 18th, 2014 | #
Pia, thank you for this post. It´s like looking myself at the mirror.
Last year, for finnancial reasons, I´ve been in need to move with my mother, after 16 years of living on my own, with my son. So this inner critic has growed a lot, because it is really her way of being and living: unable to recognise the amount of work that she does, unable to be happy with who she is, and believing that a woman´s life is only for cleaning the house, and for extension, that a woman can´t spend time doing anything else. So all the time I need to centre in myself and remember: this is not my way of thinking, there are other things that full my life and make me feel happy; the perfectly cleaned house, the so white and ironed clothes are just in tv commercials, and I need to do things that nourrish my soul.
Nora
April 18th, 2014 | #
Thank you for such a lovely post.
Bravo!
As Louise Hay wrote: “Often what we think are ‘wrong’ with us are only our expressions of our own individuality. This is our uniqueness and what is special about us. Nature never repeats itself. Since time began on this planet, there have never been two snowflakes alike or two raindrops the same. And every daisy is different from every other daisy. Our fingerprints are different, and we are different. We are meant to be different. When we accept this, there is no competition and no comparison. To try to be like another is to shrivel our soul. We have come to this planet to express who we are.”
🙂
April 18th, 2014 | #
Thank you for your honesty and authenticity. i hear you. i am enough is something i am only starting to discover now, along with the concept that i matter.
I admire you and your work and would never have imagined you felt that way…
thank you for sharing.
April 18th, 2014 | #
I just wanted to wrap you in a blanket, sit you down with a soothing cup of tea and then hug you). I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to deal with this every day. I hope you find comfort in writing down your thoughts and think it is so brave to share, the words of encouragement and pleasure people get from your blog are but a small piece of the puzzle in restoring you to full health. PND can be devastating but with the right help can be overcome. Always remember Laly is so lucky you are her mum and a mothers love is so comforting.
April 19th, 2014 | #
Oh, dear sweet beautiful Miss Pia, Thank you.
This wee outside voice is so overwhelmed by your words …no more words sorry, big hugs and shy\sad smiles of knowing too well that inner voice I hope you are able to take some of these messages and not feel so alone, you are so brave just talking Pia like Nadia says just by talking too… it has already made my heart start to sing a little Thank you x
April 19th, 2014 | #
Hello Pia,
Your post has bought me to tears. I feel the exhaustion you speak of, every day, right through to my bones. That self-criticism and anxiety is so draining to live with, especially when you have children. I have been working hard to practise mindfulness techniques that break the cycle of negative thoughts but it’s hard, especially when day-to-day living (changing nappies, cooking, washing etc) takes precedence. When I am more aware of these thoughts though, mindfulness techniques (I was very sceptical at first!) can actually work. For a long time now I have followed and loved your work, so was heartbroken to learn that you live with this as well. Take care of yourself – you create so much beauty in the world x
April 19th, 2014 | #
Dear Pia, we don’t know each other but I have been following your blog on and off for years, although I don’t think I’ve ever commented before. You did once send me a wonderfully generous (and long – I’m so grateful you took the time!) email about the job of a stylist and how it all works. You have achieved so many things in your life and are still so young. You are a high achiever and I believe that that is the reason you set such high standards for yourself, which can slide into being overly self-critical (quite apart from the fact that women are constantly under pressure to conform to some version of ‘perfect’ motherhood these days). Of course, it’s the high standards you hold yourself to that have pushed you towards your many successes, but sometimes you just have to give yourself a break. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably also self-critical about being self-critical! When i get in a funk I try to remind myself to just ride with the feeling, recognise it’s only in my own mind, and let is pass (it always does). Best wishes, Rebecca
April 19th, 2014 | #
Hi Pia,
Nice post but I’m still confused as there was no real conclusion. I have also been feeling this tired since my teens but are you saying that the tiredness is caused by these thoughts? Did you ever get yourself checked out, maybe it’s caused by health problems that you don’t know about? That’s nice that you want to change your thoughts but I still don’t think that’s 100% the cause of your tiredness. Also I don’t think the tiredness is caused by having a child, if you said that you’ve had this problem since your teens. I don’t have a child but I feel this tiredness you speak of too, it makes it super hard to work. I do think woman suffer from it more than men due to our bodies being smaller and our hormones etc, and we actually do need more sleep than men do. Anyway I hope you get it checked and figured out. Good luck!
April 20th, 2014 | #
Sounds exhausting!
April 20th, 2014 | #
Oh my, you are hard on yourself Ms Pia. That little one, you are way good enough for her. Way, way way, good enough. Every single day – even on the days where you curl up into a ball on the couch and decide to read stories and snuggle and have cups of tea in dainty cups and watch Cinderella and Snow White (the old ones) and Heidi and Anne of Green Gables and you know what, that will be just one day to recoup with plenty more to be the awesome self you want to be. You can be both – slipper wearing, messy haired, let my children watch TV all day mother, and the awesome, wholesome, only eat pureed organic vegetables mother. All at once. Laly won’t care. She loves you just however you are.
April 21st, 2014 | #
You are doing fine!
{And do get your blood checked; low iron, low Vit B and thyroid issues have left me exhausted at different times! Having children is tough on your body!}
April 21st, 2014 | #
[…] being enough from Pia Jane […]
April 21st, 2014 | #
No judgement. Just loads of gratitude for the truth telling. That inner voice can be so brutal and so invisible. And we don’t create that voice ourselves. We are daily bombarded with messages of not enoughness. I’ve started to realize that so often my fear or anxiety is a lie. It’s about that comparing and thoughts of a future that just isn’t real in the now. I want more truth. And I want to live in my gratitude and joy. Here’s to the truth tellers! They are the brave ones.
April 22nd, 2014 | #
Dear Pia, What a brave, brave person you are to write so truthfully, and just look how many others replying to you in comments are saying very much the same. It’s unbelievably hard and exhausting to be constantly questioning ourselves and all on top of being a mother, a wife and a gifted writer in your case. You must take heart that you have the insight to have noticed your self-talk now whilst you are young. I am almost 65 and still questioning… I always used to think that other people had been given a map and instructions to life and I’d somehow missed getting mine! 😉 So thankfully you have recognised early and can begin the practice to try try try constantly to change those conversations. It’s a hard task. But eventually you will begin to win through. I just read: ‘As we got older the monsters crept from under our beds to inside our heads.’ How true is that?
Sending a big big hug your way,
Jane
April 22nd, 2014 | #
Dear Pia, It is indeed very brave of you to share your insight with us. I believe you are practicing Mindfulness, a wonderful set of instructions on how to use those tools we all have within
us. How right you are also that those that teach us are just as in need of these instructions,it’s as if we came came into being with all the right parts but were sent out without the user manual.Now you will give these valuable set of thinking instructions to your lovely daughter whose generation will be so much more self aware than yours or your parents.I am away from home but when I return I will send details of a book about practicing Mindfulness,(staying in the now)given to me by a dear friend, inscribed,I hope it helps you as much as it did me.Go well Pia and lovely family. X Jean
April 23rd, 2014 | #
Beautiful. You always have your finger to the pulse of the interesting and we thank you for that.
April 24th, 2014 | #
Dear Pia
Do you want to know something really funny? While you were working this out I was out there in the world feeling completely overwhelmed by expectations and my own critical inner voice when I stopped for 10 minutes and listened to your “Of Time and Light” on repeat until my heart rate slowed and my head cleared. You have provided me with the windows of calm in my difficult days. We are all truly in this together…..
April 28th, 2014 | #
Dear Pia, I don’t know how this mechanisms works and how you can stop it but I guess you are getting at this yourself, so be confident and specially: Love yourself.
I imagine you have been through all that already but are you sure there is not an organic cause to your tiredness and then you related to your “incapacity” to do things well? I just learnt for example that some gluten intolerance can make people quite tired always.
We don’t know each other (though I know a little about you because I read your blog since almost the beginning and I have your books) but I perceive you as a wonderful and poetic being, inspirational, creative and intelligent.
What you give back to the World is amazing and beautiful. Thanks for that! Take Care
April 29th, 2014 | #
Pia, please get your iron levels checked and look in to starting yoga, or swimming, or something for yourself. Being a mother is tough, but you shouldn’t be this exhausted…
April 30th, 2014 | #
Pia, I can relate to this so much. One of my favorite hobbies and something I was, still am, extremely good at is sabotaging myself. God only knows the things I would have done to provide myself with infinite unhappiness. A few years ago through meditation and some inner research I began noticing how much I constantly criticizing myself, how little I enjoy and like about me. It’s been a long journey to recovery and i’m not even half there, but every day things get better. The moment I began opening myself to the idea of being good and likable, I met wonderful new friends that were walking the same path. It is difficult but it’s totally doable and your life changes so much. But it takes dedication. Don’t give up on you.
I can only say that I always read your blog to get inspiration, I bought a couple of your books and I loved them, and I always thought I wanted to be more like you, so it’s funny knowing that we have actually something in common. Keep loving yourself because you deserve it.
p.s.
iron level and other health issues can be a reason, but in my experience I’ve learned that they are strictly related to your head. Heal your inner feeling and your iron level will go up.xox
April 30th, 2014 | #
Thank you Bobbi. It’s a loud inner voice isn’t it? And when the habit has been to feed it with more negativity, it’s hard to break out and say to it with real conviction, “I’m okay, I’m doing well, I’m ready to experience joy”. Thank you for your beautiful comment. And yes, same here – I know the healing is through my mind and spirit. X
May 2nd, 2014 | #
Hi Beth, thank you, yes, I do all of that and have had my iron levels checked out regularly.
May 2nd, 2014 | #
Dearest Pia,
It is wonderful to hear that you are realising that the best way we teach our daughters is to show them … I have thought a lot about this (as my daughter is almost 7) & my gift to her (& my son) is the gift of self confidence & of how to love unconditionally… I still live with a similar inner critic but after more than two decades of self work, the voice is getting softer. I once read somewhere that the way we speak to our children will become their inner voice which made be both catch myself as I speak to mine & also realise that my inner critic is my mother’s voice of constant dissatisfaction. I was never enough either but I now realise that she was also repeating a pattern from her childhood so it’s my job to break the cycle. Good luck with this journey – I hope the tiredness improves though I don’t have much advice there as I’m almost always tired (because of my depression). With love, Tip
May 2nd, 2014 | #
Its only because you really care that you feel this. If you can try to practice “letting go” it’ll become easier over time. Easy for me to say. Having gone from a middle management job as well as being a mum to being self employed I’ve realised I can do without the money and I’d much rather put my wee babies first and see the world through their eyes. I have to turn work down but I cant be everything to everyone. Its really hard but I try to put the nagging voice out of my head. It creeps back now and then though xx Stay strong xx
May 2nd, 2014 | #
I am an occasional reader in France. I first saw your book,one of them, in a book store in australia and hope to get my hands on one some day. I think you are beautiful, and you have always reminded me a tiny bit of Björk, which is a compliment. I am listening to your soothing piana now and hope you make an album some day, that I would definitely buy, as I am preparing for a work-exam! Tell yourself you are strong intelligent talented and gorgeous everyday (make sure your daughter hears this) and all will be fine!!!
May 2nd, 2014 | #
Thanks for sharing this insight, PJ: I am sure that so many of us can relate to it and also find the way to a solution in your musing. This inner critic actually makes you a very generous friend, daughter, and partner, and a good author, writer, photographer, blogger, and entrepreneur … but yes, it is time you put it to rest. Don’t worry, now you are firmly on your way out 🙂 If I may suggest, there is a book, Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten, which could provide some no-nonsense support.
May 2nd, 2014 | #
This morning I sat down to write a very similar post, nowhere as beautifully written and poetic, really just moaning about how tiring life is. I came to your blog via an image on pinterest and I am so glad I did. I just want to give you a big hug! You are very talented and strong woman, look at all you have achieved and having a child on top of it all certainly doesn’t help! I have this theory that (often creative) people find it difficult to break the lifelong habit of always judging and critiquing one-self. But sometimes you just need to shrug it off and be confidant that you are a good mother, wife, writer, creator. Because you are… Laly will be ok. When I feel like this with my girls I think of the adventures we had when we were kids and were ok. She will be strong and well-balanced and healthy because…children are resilient and not wearing socks will only make her feet cold.
I recommend acupuncture to get energy levels back on track, it works wonders for me.
Good luck Pia
Hope you are feeling better soon x
May 15th, 2014 | #
Lovely, honest post Pia. I think so many of us can relate. The question then is- what do we do? How do we silence (or learn to let go) of that inner critic?
My greatest help has come from reading Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth” and listening to Oprah and his conversations on her free podcasts. They have changed my life as I am learning to be still and let go of the inner thought noises.
Peace,
Carrie
June 10th, 2014 | #
What real words…thank you for sharing x
June 14th, 2014 | #